(Appeared in Smart Brief on Your Career on April 22, 2010) (Appeared in (Practicing Law Institute) PLI Smart Brief April23,2010)

When bullies pop an irate question or cynics insist on opinions that provoke anger at meetings, thoughts of brain chemicals may be far from your mind. Yet a cynical word or a diminishing gesture to even one group member, can alter an entire room’s mental chemistry with speeds of lightning strikes to an iron rod on a barren hill.

Without warning, your amygdala reacts to tone problems tossed into communications in meetings. If your meetings end in gridlocks or if you leave a flopped workshop disheartened after what could have been a hot innovative discussion, you likely see why Dr. McMaster names bullies as deadly triggers.

In toxic workplaces you rarely find meetings where serotonin fuels creativity, builds openness to change, and regulates moods that impact confidence to lead even in tough times.

Have you ever compared a meeting where people use good tone skills to build a shared vision – to one where someone vents or vies for notice? Just as the human brain builds forward with serotonin for innovative exchanges, it also shuts down creativity with altered chemicals such as cortisol.

Does that mean people must agree on controversial topics? No – the opposite is actually true. To  disagree in fact offers amazing new zest for genius, when you build goodwill across differences.

Tone skills shape words to create calm under pressure.  The same communication proclivities within human brains,  also balance mental chemistry, and can make or break your group’s outcomes.

Neglect brain chemicals at meetings, and courtesy rarely remains as part of communication. When somebody slights your sensibility, you’ll simply toss rude barbs back, from stored reactions in your brain.

One way to regulate cortisol and slow a bully’s damage is to model tone for curiosity over contention, and show how you learn from those who differ.  Yes, even those who come with crankier tone.

Ignore cortisol levels, though, and you can expect people with weaker tone skills to react rudely whenever  harmful hormones surge during disagreements.

Before your next meeting, why not try a brief tone test to help create deeper understanding out of differences. Then lean on your own genius transparency to rebuild the trust your meeting needs if it is to lead innovation.

Here are a few tips for disagreeing in ways that build goodwill.

If you tend to avoid disagreement or run from conflict … you’ll enjoy these tools:

1. Affirm another person’s thoughts before sharing your views on the other side – to show that you really heard, sorted, and valued them. (notice I did not say agree with them)

2. Thank people for different ideas presented and show how you’ve tried or considered them further. Toss your own ideas into the ring to show and explain differences you see.

3. Share personal experiences respectfully as another angle to think about together – rather than as a need to replace the original ideas that were presented. Remember you are looking to stir and learn from diverse sides of the issue.

4. Ask two footed questions… rather than offer your own opinion too quickly. . For instance…  Have you thought about…? What if…? Could another possibility be …?

5. Add unique ideas to the mix – to inspire with confidence – more as part of a good discuss – than a need to top the original points. Make sure you support your best ideas with concrete examples to help people see possibilities presented.

Congratulations, you have just used differences to segue into a broader vision for your next meeting – one that draws on multiple talents.

See further tone posts related to this topic.

Yesterday,  on a walk in the woods with a gifted young leader, I once again saw his ethics, openness and willingness to become vulnerable in order to learn new skills. Without notice a mountain biker appeared on our winding path and startled my friend’s dog Jack, who in return snapped at the bikers feet. The 20 minutes that followed taught me again about the value of snipping an amygdala before you snipe back like Jack did.

As the biker diminished my friend, it was obvious the man’s favorite spot to walk his dog had suddenly lost its magic. From their daily wonderland – the woods became a dreaded encounter with a biker who indicated he planned to ride there daily, and did not expect to encounter the dog. Did you know that in such cases your amygdala reacts from stored responses?

What’s around your next corner that could hurt, or disappoint, or leave you feeling sad or guilty and in mental ruts for days? Any person who reaches out to others vulnerably, like my friend does, also opens pathways to cynics who reject, belittle, or ignore you because they disapprove of who you are or what you represent.

Even today, you might feel the sting of words spoken by a trusted colleague, open a card from a family member and find any affection obvious from its absence, or encounter a person you care for who makes plans that deliberately exclude you. Each encounter that stings, rejects, criticizes, or diminishes you also locks steel jaws onto your amygdala.  Luckily though, jaws that create intense emotional pain,  can also become a trigger to snip your amygdala before you snipe back and intensify the damage. How so?

Rather than judge a culprit’s motives, regret your own weaknesses, or focus on deciphering what that person could be saying in meta-messages spoken, simply snip away.  Sure, use good tone,  and name the problem honestly rather than deny it exists, but then take mental scissors to snip your well being from any tethers to maligning words or thoughtless acts. The snipping leaves you mentally in a place to grow from the experience, or even offer an olive branch in response – rather than in a place of depression.

Refuse even to argue with yourself about the fact that a hurtful  person may be trying to improve, and instead snip your amygdala from all actions that add sadness or worry. Remember, it’s not about another person, whom you cannot change. It’s not even about the horrors of a toxic workplace.  Instead it’s about replenishing your deep pool of inner wellness, so that you can speak and act with respect even to those who disagree.

Finally focus on alternative activities that offer you challenge, fun or adventure, rather than replay hurtful acts mentally, and increase inner wounds. That divergence offers your brain a gentle place to build new neuron pathways to a healthier you. Through your focus on an activity you value, you’ll also reclaim your sense of wonder about life.  You’ll welcome back that fleeing inner joy.

Have you been confronted with a shattering experience, yet remained calm on your own winding roads of adventure like my young friend? How will you snip your amygdala?

You can truly letting go – and break from inner pain or confusion to prepare your brain for a confident and courageous response. Yes, even when you confront a bully’s taunt’s or golf a round that disappoints. Have you seen it happen?

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Fear feels like a natural response to bad news brandished about in unrelenting media flashes. A mental barrier to freedom, fear of failure’s understandable when you think about it. Salacious front-liners  about why you should fear the economy that threatens to rip you off, deceive you, destroy your property, drain your savings, withhold health care and charge you more to make a few richer.  No wonder a brain’s ethical values are crippled by fearful responses. 

No question, it’s hard at times to chase fear away, yet brain based tactics can both reboot brainpower and add innovation.

Fear comes with peril that can shut you down like a tsunami takes out entire towns. Harvard Director of Risk Communication, David Ropeik, reported that brains are hard-wired to fear first, and reflect second. Have you experienced it?

Fortunately,  the brain comes with capabilities such as tone tactics for tough times,  that help to create freedom from fearful events. You can learn to look fear in the eye, and when you do so, you often face it’s toothless bite. Your amygdala offers you tools to react to fear with freedom.

The key is to act, rather than settle for fear:

1. Name what upsets you. Fearful or worrisome thought provokers often slink into  dark mental spaces, which makes them monstrous. Name the scare monger and it drags it into light and diminishes its power.

2. Choose freedom with deliberate intention to make it a larger reality than the fear that overshadows it. Tell a person you trust about the freedom you’ve chosen and you’ll lock autonomy in even more.

3. Embrace changes in your day, and go with the flow at times to find new freedoms that come with growth, curiosity, and acceptance.

4. Enroll in a workshop, read a book, or attend a seminar on the topic of your fear. If death scares you, take a class that unpacks its process. Fear loneliness? Then read a book, or attend a seminar on healthier relationships.

5. Attempt to do the thing that causes persistent fear. Start slowly, and you’ll gradually gain mental freedom that creates courage to do more of the same.

6. Risk new experiences that attract your efforts and talents to freer experiences. Ski dive, enjoy a dinner alone, or offer to speak in front of an audience for the first time. Risk-taking builds mental tenacity.

7. Focus on learning a new skill, on the beauty of your life, on laughter with family, on lunches with friends, or choices for your career. When your focus is more on freedoms you enjoy, fear tends to fads in response.

8. Draw on faith, and spend time with God if you believe in Divine help, or with people who are sensitive to spiritual  wealth and strength of soul.

9. Show kindness when another person faces fear or anxiety, and you’ll begin to build new neuron pathways to personal freedom from fear, since the brain rewires daily according to what you actually do.

10. Visualize you helping another person to overcome one fear you face, and then jot down an action plan you’d suggest to step in the direction of freedom. Next, do one step of that plan daily for a week. Record your results, and celebrate any signs of courage gained along the way.

Not bad choices, if you consider that to run or hide from fear is to magnify its peril.  Face it head on, though,  and you’ll already have created a delightful new pathway toward freedom. What’s your plan of action, the next time fear hits, and you feel like running to hide at first?

Worthwhile reading on the topic of mastering fear – is also Dr. David Dobbs’ Mastery of Fear findings.

See further posts on Fear:

Question to Refuel Finances Past Media Fears

Expect to Bypass Bullies and Cynics at Work

10 Tragic Traits in Mind of Bullies and Cynics

Fear Epidemic Runs Economy

Run From Financial Experts

Brainpowered Tools to Disagree

Brains Offer Olive Branch to Enemies

Choose Brain Parts to Sink or Swim

Hidden Traps Undo Brainpower

Courage to Climb on Sinking Ground

Radical Reconfiguration for Money and Mind

Higher Education Reinvention

Holiday Blues for Business Boom

It takes skill and courage to value  ideas that differ from your own.  Interestingly, while few do it well, those who listen and learn from others tend to transform their circles. They disagree with amazing tone skills and in so doing,  inspire others to express novel ideas that may otherwise never surface.

Progressive thinkers often deep dive into research on both sides of an issue, and by engaging opposite views, they inspire people from many backgrounds and experiences.

The opposite is also true. Hebbian thinkers insist on one way only – theirs. Have you see it happen? They bombard others with attack ads, negative opinions and tired routines that hold back progress. Sadly, Hebbian thinking literally changes your brain waves. Physical and psychological changes occur in the  brain due to narrow focus and lack of stimuli that comes ideas that differ from your opinions. Over time, these changes in your dendrite brain cells make it harder to embrace change. Can you see why some people resist brilliant innovations that would improve their lives and yours?

Einstein solved complex problems and transformed thinking, by factoring insights from opposite sides of his original views. You?

Check out these views on the other side of interesting topics. How many opposites from that list of 27 controversial topics could you research to support equally on both sides?

Tap other people’s insights to refresh thinking on opposite sides of issues in 5 ways:

1. Affirm another person’s thoughts before sharing your own differences. Use words or body language to show you heard and valued the other person’s perspective.

2, Thank people for different ideas presented and then show how you’ll try them out or consider them further.

3. Share personal experiences respectfully as another angle to think about the topic together with others who differ.

4). Ask two-footed questions rather than offer your own opinion too fast. For instance, you might ask a person:  Have you thought about…? What if …? Could another possibility be …?

5). Add unique ideas to the mix – to inspire with confidence. Trigger a good discussion with insights opposite your own original ideas to learn from facts on different angles. Then support ideas on both sides with your own experiences and concrete examples you’ve observed from a different view.

What tips would you add to help people engage hot topics without heated shout-outs. How would you inspire others to avoid Hebbian thinking in favor of  creating high impact minds who consider diverse perspectives.

For a tiny sac of neurons,  it zaps an ordinary day into havoc – like lightning strikes an iron rod, long before you’re aware it hit. Whenever your day jolts you off reliable tracks, it’s likely the seething culprit, and in some brains it burns like fury just below the surface.

Want to tackle hot topics without shout outs? Perhaps you’ve heard of the amygdala, or seen current research about its role in creating and storing emotional reactions to frightening situations. But have you heard how it turns ordinary days into train wrecks?

At times it’s a matter of learning to let go, yet once its power over your day is discovered, you can guide the amygdala to work more in your favor.  It even helps you move from fear to freedom.

Located deep within your brain’s temporal lobes, this almond shaped mood bender,  helps to shape and store reactions to unexpected shockers in your day. Will you shout or smile? Will you freeze in fear or risk with courage? The little neuron group pretty much decides for you. Sit through an upsetting meeting, and this tiny arousal center may well incite negative emotions in response. Have you seen it happen?

There’s more too. This agitated control center engages brain stem circuits that impact facial expressions and body language. It also triggers release of chemicals such as serotonin or cortisol into the blood, to trigger often unwanted emotional response. It’s even activated by nasty odors on occasion. So why does the human brain come with such a pesky part?

It’s quite straightforward. Without your amygdala, you’d have no response to screams, cries for help, shocking movies, or other horrific encounters. It can even help you to bypass bullies and cynics at work.

Unfortunately though, it tends to toss you into turmoil without much notice.  Can you see why people develop skills to tame dysfunctional thinking and modify behaviors that follow their amygdala triggers?

You’ve likely experienced how reactions impact and shape the human brain, in almost in knee-jerk responses. Unwanted panic reactions pop up when you encounter sudden or startling situations, for instance. It doesn’t need to be that way.

Your amygdala can be tweaked to transform panic reactions into calm in the face of fear, anxiety, stress, or frustration encounters.  How does it happen?

Simply act deliberately in the opposite direction of any volatile,  negative, or moody feelings.  If feeling fearful or if you are embarrassed, for instance, try disagreeing more with the brain in mind. In this way, the very act of using a skill to disagree well, begins to rewire your brain for healthier responses in similar situations.

Simply put, you can learn to bypass your amygdala’s automatic default operations, in much the same way you choose to tap different buttons on a computer, to enter a different screen.

React in the default mode and your amygdala can heat up a situation by placing you in far too sensitive a mood, flooding your brain with cortisol chemicals, and causing you to overreact. Caught under attack you’ll respond accordingly, whether the attack is real or perceived, unless you intervene to help out your brain.

Because of your amygdala,  you can develop and use different strategies to add calm under pressure,  and as you build emotional patterns for dealing with stressors, you begin to see their practical usefulness.  Brain tactics help you to deal more calmly with life’s difficult situations, simply by doing what you’d like others to see in you.

Speaking of others – peers too can help tame an amygdala more than most people realize.  In fearful situations, others can support the opposite of fearful reactions for instance. With another  person’s encouragement, your stored amygdala’s typical fear response can suddenly fade or disappear – simply by support from a like minded individual.

Have emotional lightening strikes held you back, or do you snip your amygdala before you snipe back?

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